OUTLINE FOR THIS ARTICLE:
1 – Introduction
2 – Growing Apart
3 – Disagreement About Handling The Kids
4 – Different Ideas about Budgeting and Money
5 – There’s a Workaholic In The Family
6 – Arguing Has Become A Common Way Of Relating
7 – Substance Abuse Is Getting In The Way Of Family Harmony
8 – Your Sexual Relationship – Unequal Interest?
9 – Other Difficult Times That Happen Occasionally
10 – Summary
1 —– Introduction
Our days are filled with meeting new challenges.
Your job may require you to work closely with
others for long hours. It’s normal to get involved in your
work, a hobby, or even a friendship outside your marriage.
Sometimes, situations surface that you’re unable to predict
or control. In essence, many factors exist which can overflow
into your marriage. Unfortunately, those factors can wreak
chaos on your love and relationship.
How do you manage the rough spots in your marriage? If
your marriage was to go on the rocks today, would you
know what to do and how to go about fixing it?
This guide will help you make it through the difficult times
and come out closer and happier than ever before.
Let’s look at some common challenges that can strain your
relationship with your spouse and how to get past them
with your love intact.
2 —- Growing Apart
You’re likely involved with a number of different activities in
an average day: getting the kids off to school, keeping your
home and yard in order, and ensuring your family eats well,
to name just a few.
When there’s a lot going on, the connections in your
important relationships can suffer, especially the closeness of
your marriage.
Let’s explore what it might look like if you and your
spouse begin to grow apart:
1. You’re spending less time together. You used to be
a real stickler about having dinner together 7 days a
week. But you’ve noticed lately the number has
dropped to only 3 or 4 times weekly.
2. You realize you lack knowledge about what your
spouse is currently interested in. You used to know
when your partner purchased new sports
equipment, was reading a book by a new author, or
had been getting acquainted with the new
neighbors. But now, you’re unsure about what your
spouse has been doing.
3. You find yourself not thinking much about your
partner. In the past, you couldn’t wait to get home to
spend some time cooking dinner together or
chatting about the latest news story. You wondered
off and on throughout your work day what your
spouse was up to. But lately, you haven’t been
thinking much about your partner at all.
Now you know what happens when you grow apart. How
can you get back on the same wavelength again?
Put these strategies into action if you and your partner
have been growing apart:
1. Start now. Begin today to make an effort to share
your feelings about what’s happening with you. Your
partner will be interested in what you have to say.
2. Mention you miss having dinner together each
day. Your partner will appreciate hearing it and
hopefully you’ll both make a point of eating together
again.
3. Be flexible. Your partner’s work schedule may be an
issue. Still, make it clear you miss spending time
together.
4. Plan a specific “date” to just spend time together.
It can be an evening this week at home or actually
leaving the house together on Saturday for lunch or
a long walk.
There are many things you can do to avoid growing apart and
staying apart for too long. When you decide you’ll walk
through life with someone, opening your mind to the many
ways you can use to stay close will keep your bond strong.
“A good marriage is like a casserole. Only those
responsible for it really know what goes into it.”
~ Anonymous
3 —– Disagreement About Handling The Kids
One of the top reasons loving couples experience some
bumps in the road to marital bliss is because of the children.
Although it’s a wonderful blessing to raise children, this
blessing is also accompanied by a great deal of stress and
hard work.
Not only do children require a lot of your time, but they
tend to cramp your social lives. Unfortunately, your kids can
sometimes cause a disconnection between you and your
partner when it comes to decisions about raising and
disciplining them.
Noticing and managing changes in how you get along with
your partner, early on after you have kids, will tell the tale of
how your marriage will proceed.
Mend fences with your partner now and get on the same
team when raising your children:
1. Share your feelings. Tell your partner you’ve
noticed you’re having some disagreements about
the kids lately. Also state that you want to work them
out because you’re striving to be on the same page
when it comes to raising the kids.
2. Ask questions. Talk with your partner and inquire
about what methods he prefers to use when
disciplining the kids. Then, listen carefully.
3. Discuss the issues. Agree with your partner when
you genuinely share his viewpoints. Next, you can
discuss the points that you disagree about and why.
4. Be truthful and ask for what you want. Honestly
state what you find upsetting about some of your
partner’s parenting techniques. Then, ask for what
you want. See if you can come to a compromise
about how to handle different issues with the
children.
➡ For example, say something like, “I’m not sure it’s
helpful to threaten Tommy with spankings because
he’s beginning to react as if he’s afraid of you. Would
you consider stopping the threats for a month or so
to see if his fear decreases?”
5. Agree to avoid disagreeing in front of the kids.
Explain you want to “present a united front” to the
children so they see you as a loving team. Plus, you
don’t want the kids to try to “divide and conquer”
their parents.
6. Suggest attending a local parenting seminar
together. State you’d like to do it in the spirit of
learning whatever you can about how to be a better
parent to your children.
➡ The bonus is that it’s an afternoon or evening out
together without the kids.
Having kids together will be one of the greatest joys you’ll
ever experience. Apply these strategies to maintain a strong
marital base while you raise your children in harmony.
“A happy marriage is a long conversation which
always seems too short.”
~ Andre Maurois
4 —– Different Ideas About Budgeting and Money
Love and money are often a complicated mix. You’ve
probably each lived alone at some point and managed
money exactly like you wanted to.
Perhaps you feel you were doing okay when dealing with
finances. So what if you miss a due date every so often or
avoid calling back a creditor promptly? You want to enjoy
life and you’re willing to over-spend to do it.
But maybe you’re on the other side of money management:
You pay all your bills the day they arrive and you would
never open a credit card with an interest rate over 15%.
When it comes to money, you’re all about saving and putting
off gratification.
With the possibility of such different types of money
management, you can begin to see how mixing the two
styles in a marriage could make for some chaotic times and
additional disagreements.
Luckily, there are some easy steps you can take to settle your
differences regarding how you manage the family finances.
Apply these tips when discussing money matters:
1. State your concerns. It’s wise to avoid letting your
feelings about money fester for too long. If you do,
your emotions may start to seep into other areas of
your life. Start out by sitting down with your partner
and saying, “I’d like to talk about two things related
to our money situation. I’m concerned about ____.”
2. Avoid bringing up finances when you’re frustrated
or angry. Attempting to state your case
diplomatically can be difficult if you’re experiencing
negative emotions about the topic you wish to
discuss.
➡ Allow yourself time to be calm before you broach
the subject of money.
3. Keep an eye on your speech patterns. Because
money can be a sensitive subject, being aware of the
volume and tone of your voice will help immensely.
4. Find out your partner’s viewpoint. Your spouse
may have a specific plan in mind for the future which
drives his current money behaviors.
5. Read a good book on personal finance. If there’s
stress about money affecting your relationship, why
not brush up on strategies for managing your cash?
➡ Another positive point about educating yourself is it
shows your partner you’re interested in doing what’s
best for your family.
➡ Plus, if you leave the book lying around where it’s
easy to see, your partner might just pick it up and
read it, too.
6. Mention your goals for the future. During a money
discussion, connect your family’s goals for the future
to how you’re handling your money now. This could
promote shared goals and a mutual understanding
between you and your partner.
➡ When you look at the overall picture of your lives
together and how it relates to your current money
habits, something might “click” for you or your
spouse.
7. Take responsibility for money mistakes you’ve
made. It’s tough to admit certain mistakes. Yet, if you
refrain from doing so, your partner is left wondering
whether you truly see your errors.
➡ Your partner might feel apprehensive about living
with someone who appears to lack understanding of
how their past choices produced unsavory
consequences for the family.
➡ You could say something like, “I know I made a
mistake two years ago when I opened a third credit
card account with a high-interest rate and ran up the
balance. I learned from that experience and I won’t
do it again.”
Even though there are those who say money is the root of
all evil, if you just put your heads together, you might
discover just the opposite.
You can create the wonderful life you want by working
together to successfully manage your finances.
“In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate
if the phrase were changed to, ‘until debt do us part.’”
~ Sam Ewing
5 —– There’s a Workaholic In The Family
The fast pace of living in the 21st century is exciting,
interesting, and ever-changing. Yet it can also push you to
work harder for longer periods of time. Sometimes, the
work becomes personally rewarding, which is great.
Even still, you or your partner might be a workaholic. And if
you are, your relationship can be in for a rough ride.
➡ These patterns can alert you to symptoms of your
partner being a workaholic:
➡ They’re hardly ever home for dinner anymore.
➡ When they’re home or you’re out together, they’re
constantly talking on the phone and texting with
their supervisor or co-workers.
➡ They seem to want to work overtime much too
often.
➡ They frequently say they’re too tired to take part in
family activities.
➡ They justify all the work hours they’re putting in by
saying things like, “I’m earning money for us” or “I’m
working toward that promotion.”
Did any of those points sound familiar? If so, it may be time
to take action and pull your relationship back together.
If you’re the one who’s developing these workaholic
symptoms, you can reverse some of the negative effects
on your relationship with these tips:
1. Cap the number of hours you’ll work in a day and
stick to it. Maybe a 10-hour stint is okay, but a 12-
hour day is too long.
2. Control the total number of hours worked weekly.
Set limits on the number of hours you’ll work in a 7-
day period.
3. Limit calls and texts. Establish a few evenings each
week (and maybe the weekend, too) where you avoid
answering phone calls and texts. Everyone deserves
some time off!
4. Apologize and explain yourself. Tell your partner
you’re sorry for the extra hours you’ve been working
and you were doing it because [the real reason].
Then state what your work plan is for the next 3 to 6
months.
If your partner is the culprit who’s overworking, it might be
a bit more challenging to confront the situation. However,
you do have some options.
Initiate these steps to successfully address your
workaholic partner:
1. Openly acknowledge how you feel about all the
extra work hours. Use “I” statements. Review these
examples to help you conceptualize this point:
➡ “I’m feeling frustrated because you’re gone all the
time.”
➡ “I miss you—it seems like you’re working an awful
lot.”
➡ “I’m worried because the kids are starting to ask
questions about why you’re gone so much.”
➡ It’s perfectly appropriate to express concerns like,
“I’m disappointed you’re missing a lot of the kids’
important activities.” Or you could say, “I’d really like
you to be more involved with the kids. What can I do
to help you be more involved?”
2. Give your partner advanced notice about special
occasions. Notify them in plenty of time when there’s
a big event coming up and you want them to attend.
➡ Mention you realize their work schedule is crammed,
but you’d really like them to go to the Family Reunion
Barbecue next month.
➡ Remind them one or two weeks in advance about
your daughter’s dance recital or your son’s baseball
tournament.
3. Ask how your partner feels about their work
schedule. You may discover they’re upset,
disappointed, or frustrated about their workload
too. At least now you are both acknowledging it.
➡ If possible, steer the conversation toward problem solving.
Encourage them to consider what can
realistically be done to reduce their work hours.
Although there’s nothing shameful about wanting to work
hard during certain periods of your life, recognize how being
a workaholic can negatively affect your marriage.
When you follow these suggestions, you can rest assured
you’re doing everything you can to stay close and happy.
Hopefully, this will promote a marriage which is healthy and
enduring.
“After about 20 years of marriage, I’m finally starting to
scratch the surface of that one [what women want].
And I think the answer lies somewhere between
conversation and chocolate.”
~ Mel Gibson
6 —– Arguing Has Become A Common Way Of Relating
Everyone has different communication styles. Think about
how well you’ve communicated with your partner since the
beginning of your relationship.
In most relationships, your verbal exchanges evolve over
time. Unfortunately, communication styles sometimes
deteriorate to the point where it seems like all you’re doing
is arguing with your spouse.
Put these suggestions into action and quickly put a stop
to the arguing:
1. Use a calm and quiet voice. Concentrate on
keeping your voice down and your tone pleasant.
Nothing can trigger an argument like a loud voice or
a defensive tone.
➡ Even if you feel you have good reason to be upset, it’s
rarely effective to speak loudly or with an angry tone
in your voice.
2. Do something to disrupt the pattern of arguing.
It’s up to you to take action and interrupt the
destructive cycle of arguing.
➡ If your partner says something to you in a loud voice
or using highly inflammatory words, make the
conscious decision to avoid responding.
➡ This is difficult to do because of the nature of
arguing. Your partner uses negative language with an
“enticingly” argumentative tone of voice and you
tend to respond likewise.
➡ So, how do you change this response? You do so by
changing your behavior to disrupt the pattern.
3. Decide to be the one who “gives in.” Keep in mind
your primary goal is to promote harmony in your
marriage. So, it’s important to be willing to do
whatever’s necessary. If the issue you’re debating
about is relatively minor, give in and move on, if at all
possible.
4. Apologize when necessary. It’s inconceivable you
would do something to upset or emotionally harm
your partner (whether you intended to or not)
without apologizing for it.
➡ If you were the one who’d been wronged, surely you
would want your partner to recognize what they did.
➡ Likewise, if you have hurt your partner in some way,
be mature enough to admit it and say you’re sorry.
5. Forgive. Learn to be generous about forgiving. The
reality is we’re all human and most of us make plenty
of mistakes each day. Don’t you want someone to
forgive you when you mess up? Since nobody’s
perfect, forgiving others is important.
➡ Even the healthiest of marriages contain episodes of
one partner inadvertently hurting the other,
apologizing, and then being forgiven by the other.
6. Avoid holding grudges. Let’s say your spouse uses
sharp words with you or does something to upset
you and they’ve apologized.
➡ Once you accept their apology and forgive them, let
go of any hurt and anger you feel.
➡ Holding a grudge is a huge block to having a loving
relationship. Besides, nothing positive will come from
a grudge.
7. Diplomatically discuss long-term wounds you’ve
been distressed about. Perhaps your spouse did
something three years ago which hurt you deeply,
but you never talked about it. It’s quite possible you
take every chance to argue because you’re
struggling to expel the hurt you suffered from that
wound.
➡ Maybe you should thoroughly discuss the old matter
with them, state how you felt at the time, how you’ve
handled those feelings, and then listen to what they
have to say about the situation. Take the lead now to
work it out!
➡ When you communicate openly and honestly, free of
negativity, your partner will usually listen. Resolving
old wounds, once and for all, will aid you in letting go
of your hurt and hopefully tapering your own
argumentative behavior.
Once you’re conscious of the fact that your words can hurt
the ones you love, you can take these steps to change what
you’ve been doing.
These strategies can help make the difference between a
struggling, argumentative relationship and a loving, peaceful
one.
“The formula for a happy marriage? It’s the same as
the one for living in California: when you find a fault,
don’t dwell on it.”
~ Jay Trachman
7 —– Substance Abuse Is Getting In The Way Of Family Harmony
Because substance abuse is rampant in our society, it’s
imperative to keep your eyes and ears open. Keep this
destructive behavior out of your marriage.
Take action and confront the substance abuse by
applying these strategies:
1. Look honestly at your own use of substances. If
you’re the one using illicit drugs, consider making
different choices. If you’re taking prescription
medication, review the side effects with your doctor
to determine whether any of your potential,
relationship-disrupting behaviors could be a result
of your prescribed medicines.
➡ Consider your nicotine habits, alcohol use, and
anything else you’re ingesting that could affect your
emotional state.
2. Speak to your spouse about their use. In the event
it’s your spouse who misuses substances, you must
tactfully and factually state your concerns when
they’re not under the influence.
➡ Using tact and being factual means you’ll have your
emotions under control, speak with appropriate
voice tone using “I” statements, and factually cite one
or two recent situations when their behavior was
hurtful, upsetting, or embarrassing to you. Then,
express your concern.
3. Seek drug or alcohol treatment and recovery. If
you believe you’re caught in an unhealthy cycle of
substance use, get professional help immediately.
➡ If you think it’s your partner facing such a challenge,
at the end of your conversation about the issue,
state something like, “I’m very concerned and I
believe you and I should go for professional help to
make our marriage stronger.”
Recognize substance abuse is very serious and it can
damage or even destroy relationships. However, there are
many pathways to recovery.
Supportive people, who are already in recovery, can be found
in every community. They want to help. Seek them out if you
want guidance, regardless of whether it’s you or your
spouse who’s struggling with substance abuse.
“Marriage is like pi—natural, irrational, and very important.”
~ Lisa Hoffman
8 —– Lack Of Interest In Your Sexual Relationship
Every marriage will eventually experience a period of time
during which the sexual relationship seems to be put on
hold. Occasionally, you may be on different wavelengths
carnally. Your sexual appetite may be increased while your
partner’s appears to be waning or vice versa.
Take care of your feelings as a couple by employing these
strategies:
1. Recognize the importance of the sexual
connection between you. It’s simply a fact: the
sexual relationship holds a special place in every
marriage.
2. Acknowledge sexual appetites vary. Even if you
lack interest in lovemaking now, remind yourself that
your partner may be very interested. If it’s the other
way around, it’s certainly acceptable to let your
partner know of your desires.
3. Talk about it. Interestingly, many couples report
they don’t speak about their sexual relationship,
which means there can be considerable
misunderstandings about the topic. As a couple, it’s
imperative you’re able to discuss sex.
➡ Specifically, explore how you feel about your
lovemaking: what you like and what your partner
prefers. Talking about your own sexual relationship
can draw you closer and help you understand each
other better.
➡ Think about what you’d like to share with and know
about your partner related to your sexual
relationship. Then, find the time to discuss these
things with them.
4. Plan ahead to prime your sexual appetite. It can be
titillating for you to think about how you have a
“date” on Saturday evening. You’ll take the kids to
Grandma’s to spend the night, go to dinner, and then
catch a movie. But returning home alone will be the
best part.
5. Be spontaneous sometimes. Take the lead to
initiate sex at times when your partner least expects
it.
6. Develop awareness into your partner’s everyday
life. Take notice of what your life is like and what
your partner’s life is like.
➡ For example, maybe you’re not working overtime
and you have all your projects done around the
house. You have plenty of energy and time to relax.
➡ Now, look at your spouse’s situation. Maybe they’re
working harder than ever to get the kids to all their
practices and dance lessons. The house is clean and
your partner’s doing some volunteer work. When
they come in the door, you can see they’re
exhausted.
➡ Increasing your awareness of how your lives and the
demands on each of you fluctuate will increase your
understanding of the differences in your carnal
desires.
Reviving interest in your sexual relationship can be
adventurous and fun. Have an open mind and be willing to
experiment with your partner. Cherish the sexual bond you
have. Re-discovering the passion you feel for one another
can be something you do together all your lives.
“The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch
the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during.
Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.”
~ Unknown
9 —– Other Difficult Times That Happen Occasionally
Because marriages occur in “real time,” other unexpected
situations, like the death of a loved one or job loss, tax our
stress levels, patience, and emotions. This sometimes
negatively impacts our relationships without warning.
When these difficult times occur, you have to be ready to
face the challenges and protect your marriage.
Use these suggestions to keep your marriage solid as a
rock during these difficult times:
1. The deaths of family members and close loved
ones. It seems uncanny that the death of someone
close can actually drive a wedge between couples.
Yet, it often happens. But, if you’re aware of the
relationship disruptions which can occur, you can
intervene by applying these tips:
➡ Recognize everyone deals with death differently.
You may want to talk all the time about the one who
passed away, but your partner may find it upsetting
to discuss it.
➡ Give your partner some space. They may want time
to be alone. Take some moments for yourself too, if
you desire.
➡ Keep the lines of communication open. It might be
tough, but it’s necessary for you to be able to discuss
your emotions with each other periodically through
the tough times.
➡ Avoid getting angry. If your spouse expresses their
grief in a different way than you do, it’s okay. Ask for
understanding from your spouse if you require some
extra support.
➡ Spend time together as a couple regularly. Just
being in the company of each other can be soothing
during times of sadness.
➡ Allow time to spend with family and friends. It’s
comforting to pull together as an extended family in
order to support each other in your grief.
2. One of you experiences a job loss. A job loss can be
a profound source of distress between partners.
Practice these strategies to come out on the other
side stronger and more bonded:
➡ Talk about it. If you’re the one who lost your job,
share your thoughts and feelings verbally. Let your
partner know you want to talk about your anger and
fears.
➡ When your partner suffers a job loss. Go to them
and state how you feel. Then, if they haven’t yet told
you, inquire about what they’re thinking and how
they’re feeling about the situation.
➡ Offer and accept support. Demonstrate you’ve got
your spouse’s back. Give verbal reassurance each day
that you’ll both rise to the occasion and get through
this together. If your spouse reaches out to comfort
you, be accepting and let them know you feel their
support. This situation can actually draw you closer
and strengthen your bond.
➡ State that you are willing to help. Ask what you can
do to ease your partner’s stress. State you’ll go back
to work or increase your hours for a while. Mention
you’d see doing these things as an adventure.
Besides, you’re a team.
➡ Discover ways to still have fun together each
week. It doesn’t cost anything to take a walk, rake
leaves, or watch a movie together at home. A job loss
shouldn’t mean having to sacrifice the fun parts of
your relationship. Plus, a relaxing night will clear
your mind.
By using these strategies, you can navigate the difficult times
together and deepen the love you feel for one another. It’s
wonderful to know you’ll always be there for your partner
and they’ll always be there for you.
“The great secret of a successful marriage is to
treat all disasters as incidents and none of the
incidents as disasters.”
~ Harold Nicolson
10 —– Summary
Your marriage is likely one of the most important
relationships you’ll have in your lifetime. Experiencing the
adventure of a marriage is not for the faint of heart. When
you devote your time and energy to your marriage, you’ll
enjoy some of the most positive experiences ever.
Cherish your marriage and consider it the source of your
life, love, and happiness.
Why?
Because it is!
“Happily ever after is not a fairy tale. It’s a choice.”
~ Fawn Weaver
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